Empathic relations and Compassionate communication
What happens to disconnect us from our compassionate nature, leading us to behave violently and exploitatively? And conversely, what allows some people to stay connected to their compassionate nature under even the most trying circumstances?
Basic connection
Humans are evolutionarily designed to thrive and feel good when we are compassionately connected. We create this compassionate connection by understand our feelings an needs and making “yes-able” requests that in turn make other feel good by helping us to make life wonderful. Some aspects of our culture often makes this difficult, and so we struggle.
What empowers us, for example, to stay connected to our compassionate nature even under the worst circumstances? I am thinking of people like Etty Hillesum, who remained compassionate even while subjected to the grotesque conditions of a German concentration camp. As she wrote in her journal at the time,
I am not easily frightened. Not because I am brave but because I know that I am dealing with human beings, and that I must try as hard as I can to understand everything that anyone ever does. And that was the real import of this morning: not that a disgruntled young Gestapo officer yelled at me, but that I felt no indignation, rather a real compassion, and would have liked to ask, ‘Did you have a very unhappy childhood, has your girlfriend let you down?’ Yes, he looked harassed and driven, sullen and weak. I should have liked to start treating him there and then, for I know that pitiful young men like that are dangerous as soon as they are let loose on mankind.
—Etty Hillesum in Etty: A Diary 1941–1943
Visual Model of Compassionate Connection
Observations–>Feelings–>Needs–>Requests
Feelings
Feelings are physiological and evolutionary cues to a situation either:
- when our needs are being violated, or unmet ( sad) or
- when our needs are being nourished or met (happy).
They are just pointers to actions we need to take to help us become happier and more connected.
Needs
All humans share the same needs. Needs are basic to human health and happiness. When our needs are addressed we thrive, when unmet we can end up with “failure to thrive” which can be fatal.
Each one of us, however, has priorities for the needs that seem most urgent for us. Can you identify what needs are primary for yourself? for your story protagonist?
Requests
Action items for Empathic Living
Requests are the Actions we take to try to use words to help us get what we need. Certain ways of acting encourage others to meet our needs and also foster deeper connection. Other ways of asking (demands) are tragic because they may backfire and push people away when what we most need is connection.
Learn more about Non Violent Communication
Protagonists are often caught in situations of unmet needs which makes them unhappy and drives them to change. Many of their initial actions/requests are clumsy and may be more demands, or may fail to evoke connection from others. Finding a way to meet those needs in a way that benefits others too (the moral dimension) is the protagonists goals. So a story is often an example of this human motivation system when it moves from a failing state to one that succeeds.